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Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Once upon a time there was a young prince who did nothing all day but laze around. He was a handsome fellow, as princes tend to be, but he had no interest in anything that required thinking.
His parents, the king and queen, ruled a vast kingdom and were loved greatly by the people. Of all the traits such a royal couple should have none was lacking amongst the two of them.
However, immortality was something they did not posses. And so it was that one day the noble queen did not wake from her sleep. Her death grieved the entire country deeply, but none was so affected as the good king. He, too, would breathe his last breath, not long after his beloved wife.
A wave of sorrow swept over the land and each subject, be it peasant or knight, wore black to show how much they wept. Yes, their death was indeed a terrible loss.
But even in these times of sadness, life tends to move on. Thus, though he knew nothing of state affairs, the lazy prince took to the throne. With the help of his advisers, he tried to rule as his mother and father had done before him. There was only one problem: politicians back then, as they are now, were irrevocably silly and had only their own interest in mind.
In due time, the land took a turn for the worst. Hearing the news of the old king's death, neighbouring countries decided to invade and the prince was forced to send his farmers to battle to do a soldier's job. It did not take long for the food to become scarce and for people to go hungry. The once trusted advisers started to leave the prince behind and one by one ran over to the winning side of the war. Before long the prince was all alone and unable to take care of his people.
Then one day a mysterious man arrived at their court. He wore many heavy cloaks that obscured whether he was in fact skinny or fat, and even his face was hidden behind a ghoulish mask. Whenever he spoke, he did so in a very low growl: "I demand to speak to the prince!"
Of course, the court servants scoffed at him and told him there was no more prince. The young man was now the ruler of the kingdom. He was the king.
The man let out a deep laugh.
"Is that so?" he asked, "Pray do tell, does a prince not have to take a wife before he can be king?"
Upon hearing this, the servants looked at each other with big eyes. In their grief over their former king and queen, they had forgotten that their prince had to be married. The stranger was then brought to the throne room right away, where he told his story once more.
The prince, shocked at the revelation, asked the man what to do.
"Why, sire. You must go on a quest to find the perfect maiden!" said the man.
"But, what about the kingdom? Surely, I cannot leave my throne like this?" asked the prince.
"Worry not, sire. I will make sure your country is safe. You may leave the throne in my care," replied the man. And so the prince, who was naive and gullible, left his castle in search for a young woman who was to be his wife.
While the prince was on his quest, the country thrived under the rule of the stranger. The people, unaware that it was not actually their prince who was governing them, even started saying that the son was a better king than his father!
Eventually these messages reached the prince's ear and, while he had not yet found a suitable woman to his taste, he felt he had to return to his palace at once. After all, it did not matter whether he was a king or a prince as long as he could rule his country in a good way, and this stranger was sure to be a great teacher to him.
When he arrived back at the castle and asked to see the stranger again, he was astounded by what he found. For the stranger had not been a man, as he had thought before. What he found in his place was a beautiful young woman in disguise.
The prince, who had learned to respect the man in the mask from the stories he had heard, now fell in love with the woman who had been there all along. His quest for the perfect wife was over.
The clever woman agreed to the marriage quite quickly, for even intelligent women sometimes have a weakness for handsome men.
Soon they were husband and wife, and with the country in the queen's care everyone lived happily ever after.
Posted at 11:15 pm by Nagini
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Wednesday, November 17, 2010
20 Rules to Survive a Horror Movie
20 Rules to Survive a Horror Movie (And You Still Might Die) © ShrinkGirl
Editing by: Nagini - This is a horror movie. The rules of real life do not apply here. First and most important rule. Don't forget it.
- You do not have sexy time in a horror movie. If you do, there's a 100% chance of dying. But hey, at least you got laid first, right?
- Ironically, most horror movies – not all, but a LOT – are sexy horror movies, if you catch my drift (wink wink nudge nudge). Who needs pr0n when you can watch a horror flick? If you are in this film, however… Well, this is the part where I remind you of rule #2.
- Now, let's get to the serious stuff. When it's dark and scary about, and you hear this weird, kinda creepy noise? DO NOT CHECK IT OUT. "I'm sure it's nothing," and BAM! You're dead. My advice? Don't go anywhere unarmed. I suggest a flamethrower. Or just don't check it out. Or better even, have your friend (in case of several friends, your least favorite) check it out. The wisest thing to do would be to leave town, though perhaps you should wait until after having your least favorite "friend" check out the "sound".
- If you're one of those calm, realistic people who wants to rationalize everything, you've probably already decided there is nothing going on. At one point you may insist, usually very publically, that people are overreacting and letting their imagination run wild. Or course there must be a logic explanation for all these strange things that are happening. (When there isn't. This is a horror movie!)
Yeah… Hate to break it to you, but you're dead. It'll probably be a rather brutal death, too. You just had to act as if nothing 'weird' was going on. If you're lucky, the people you were trying to convince witness your brutal murder. Or should I just call it a slaughter? Let's not squabble over semantics. - If you're just an average run-of-the-mill asshole… Yeah, you're dead. Most likely scenario: you're brutally, brutally murdered. Did I mention how brutally murdered you'll be? I'm telling you dude, it's brutal. Yup. 100% chance of pain, pain and more pain. That's what you get for being a dick. There's justice after all. In horror movies, that is.
- Think of Batman's utility belt. Pretty neat, isn't it? Now, try to picture a horror movie version of it. Just in case carry a cross, holy water and maybe a bible on you at all times. You know the Latin words to say to perform an exorcism by heart? You do? Splendid!
- Whenever someone who seems to know a lot more than you do concerning whatever it is that's fucking with your head, don't just ignore the crazy person. Heed whatever warning they bear. Doubting my advice? Can you guess what I'm about to say? If you were thinking of 'brutal death': yay you! So pay attention when someone tries to warn you!
- Do not split up. It will not make things easier. It will only make your (or your friends') death(s) more imminent. Unless that's what you want… Weirdo.
- If you decide not to follow any of the previous rules – or if you're just not the lead in this movie – and you find yourself coming face to face with whatever it is that's killing everyone: try not to stand there paralyzed with fear, just staring at the damn thing. Especially when it's some kind of creature or undead person; like that creepy lady sliding down the stairs in 'The Grudge'.
RUN THE FUCK AWAY. Running is a good thing. Maybe try to burn the fucker on your way out. - Say you find yourself in a situation where you're running for dear life. If you're lucky, it's your friend who trips and hurts their ankle. If not, it's you. Leave the friend behind. They'll slow the killer down some. Try not to feel guilty too much. I'm sure they were pretty much doomed anyway. No matter how fast you go, the killer will always catch up with you. Did I mention their main power is superspeed, even when it looks as if they're going really slow?
Notable exception to the rule: zombies. While these things try to catch up with you, you've got plenty of time to go find a chainsaw. Be a man and just do it already. There's no room for mercy in a horror movie or it will come back to bite you in the ass. Maybe literally if it's a zombie. Omnomnomnomnom. - When you start hearing eerie noises in the house (e.g. creaking floorboards) or other weird stuff starts to happen (e.g. weird images in mirrors, bleeding walls, ghost appearances), it's time to leave. I never did get why people stay there like there's nothing totally creepy and fucked up going on at all. No, you're not just dreaming with your eyes open and you're not just really tired. The place is fucking haunted. LEAVE. NOW. If you don't, you're an idiot and you deserve to die. Idiot.
- Another other villainous superpower: invisibility. Seen 'Halloween'? This guy walks around with a bloody knife and a creepy mask during daytime, and he somehow gets around unseen. WTF? Always assume there's someone there out to get you. Bring a gun.
- You're going up against a ghost or something alike? You're the lead? It wants something of you. Figure out what. Let me give you a hint: you're not going to like it.
If you're the friend of the lead, try not to piss the ghost off – or you die. You think that's unfair? You're just the lead's friend, remember. Even if you survive this film, they'll probably kill you off in the sequel anyway. - Whatever is after you, it will fuck with your head. For some reason, everything undeniably evil likes to fuck with people's heads. In a purely figurative way, of course. We've already discussed the rules about actual sexy time.
Try to keep the freaking out to a minimum and stay sane. Save it for your post traumatic stress disorder – assuming you'll survive that is, which you probably won't. This will especially occur when you're going up against something paranormal, but even the serial killers seem to have a certain supernatural air about them… (Also: see rule #18) - If you're going up against, say, Freddy Krueger: forget everything I just said. You're dead meat. Try to make the best of your last few moments on this earth, before Freddy puts a brutal, sadistic (and funny, but not to you) end to your life.
What? It's Freddy Krueger?! Did you not see the film? DEAD MEAT! (Can you tell I'm a fan? Because I totally am. Can you think of a more awesome way to kill people than slaughtering them in their dreams, thus killing them in real life as well? I sure as hell can't.
Just try not to poop your pants or something. That would make your ending bloody, brutal and stinky. - Rejoice! You've managed to get your hands on a weapon and slay your foe! Don't just run away assuming he's dead, meanwhile leaving your weapon behind. He's not dead and you could sure use that weapon you just left behind, idiot. Biggest mistake of your life. Trust me; I have, like, a degree in this kinda stuff. Okay, not really, but I've seen enough horror movies to figure that out. Did you? Then why are you reading this? Huh? Keep reading, bozo!
- The killer looks dead? He's not. Never assume they're dead and just leave the body. My personal suggestion would be decapitation. Then find the nearest car and run the guy over until all you hear when you go over it for the umpteenth time is this squishy sound. Then maybe he's dead. Maybe. Next thing on your to-do list: leave town. Maybe burn whatever dump you're in down before you leave, just to be sure. Or just for fun, whatever floats your boat.
- You make out what seems to be a 'body' (lifeless or not) of some sort… What do you think you're doing? Don't go check it out, ya nincompoop! Have you learnt nothing after all the advice I've given you?! If you must do something: execute rule #18, then leave. Emphasis on the leaving part.
- After having read all this great advice of mine, you may be feeling a little more confident concerning your chances of surviving a horror movie. Yeah, hate to break it to you again, but you'll still probably die anyway. Even if you make it to the end of the film, never drop your guard.
If you survive, against all odds, just remember this: a lot of horror movies have sequels… In which you, being the last film's survivor, will die. Brutally. My last bit of advice to you is this: pray you never find yourself in a horror movie. Seriously. And if all else fails: kill it with fire. Good luck.
Posted at 10:09 pm by ShrinkGirl
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The rules of soap operas
#1: This is a soap. The rules of real life don't apply here.
#2: Never forget rule #1.
#3: You do not talk about Fight Club. Oh, wait, my bad.
#4: If this is the character's first time in a soap, they WILL cheat on someone.
#5: Soap opera characters don't communicate the way REAL people do. (See rule #2)
#6: There's no need to watch every single episode. Just one will do to find out what's been going on for the past xx years. Because our beloved characters are ever so kind as to repeat everything of 'importance' that's ever happened out loud every single episode.
#7: Talking out loud to yourself all the time about everything that's going on (usually a lot) is the most normal thing in the world. In the soap opera world that is.
#8: Every character has been romantically involved with every other character at least once. And did someone say 'adultery'?
#9: One word: misunderstandings. Because, you see, these characters don't talk things over in a serious and adult kind of way like normal people do; thus creating tragic misunderstandings that may last as long as the scriptwriters want them to. Yelling at your TV will not fix these misunderstandings. They can't hear you.
#10: The most common superpower in soap operas? Immortality. Falling of a cliff with basically no chances of survival? No biggie. They can take it. (Which takes us to #11.)
#11: When a character 'dies', they don't. No body, no proof: not dead. ALWAYS assume they're still alive somehow. The other characters easily assume the character is dead (even though the body was never found, sometimes after quite the search) only to be very surprised later on, when the character magically appears before them, alive and well. (And aching for revenge, of course. Mwahahahahaha!)
#12: Okay, so your favourite character died? The one played by that extremely nommy actor? What, you're saying there's absolutely no way he'll ever come back? Ever? That sounds awfully unlike a soap opera to me. In time you'll find that the dead character has a twin somewhere he didn't even know about. Way to cut the costs of just hiring another actor to introduce a new character. Or do they get paid twice as much now?
#13: Whenever something dramatic is said, which is around 100% of the time, a dramatic close-up ensues during which the character will make a face that'll make you doubt this actor ever took any kind of acting class. They'll usually make the 'I'm so constipated right now' look. During especially dramatic scenes, when the angle changes for a split second, expect the (female) character to appear back in frame with tears streaming down her face and make-up running.
#14: Everyone has a nemesis. Everyone. It's what makes the soap opera world go round.
#15: Everybody has a deep dark secret or past. Naturally, at one point during the run of the soap opera, a new character will appear who knows all about this secret. Uh-oohhhh!
#16: Getting shot. Pulling the trigger. Either one of them will always happen to at least one character in the show. Sometimes it might even involve scientifically unexplainable explosions. Every time the writers do this, God kills a kitten.
#17: When a character is murdered, no one will ever know who did it. There will always be at least three suspects with solid motives and questionable alibis. Note that the audience at home might not be aware of the murdered either; but by golly, there will be heated discussions about it!
#18: Characters are idiots when it comes to their own feelings. There will be internal monologues (voiced-over or out loud, see also #6) alluding to their confusion, as they wonder about their being in love. Unfortunately, they wouldn't know the answer to that question, even if it butt-fucked them from above. Surprise!
#19: What makes a soap opera character's world go round? Why, intrigue of course, and … more intrigue! If your lifelong dream has been to find out how evil schemes are born, you'll might need a new lifelong dream! If backstabbing was an actual occupation, the characters would be working overtime.
#20: If you are actually planning to, God forbid, watch a soap opera (episode), there is one more rule to never forget: everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Characters never catch a break. True story.
Goodie! Now you're ready to go into battle, enjoy!
© ShrinkGirl
Editing by: Nagini
Posted at 12:08 am by ShrinkGirl
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Monday, September 13, 2010
Sometimes it feels as if life passes me by without leaving its traces on me. There is nothing I have learnt, nothing that has befallen me and changed me for the better. As if, while time goes on and my body ages, my spirit has been stuck in a standstill, witnessing the growth in others.
Looking back on these last 5 years however, I fear I have been mistaken thinking I could still pass off as that naïve 15-year-old who started a blog to cleanse her soul and change the world. All the emotions I've poured into this otherwise meaningless little web space – it's a surprise it didn't develop a consciousness of its own. Or maybe it secretly did.
After all, I had been entertaining the thought of deleting every single shred of evidence it ever existed. Yet, I couldn't. It stopped me.
There are too many memories I've entrusted to it. It would feel like a betrayal to get rid of it so nonchalantly and pretend it was never a part of me. Even if I saved every letter and punctuation mark I'd ever written for it in a file, it would never feel the same. In fact, it would almost be like cutting out a piece of myself and keep it on a shelve in a pickle jar.
Perhaps that is an exaggeration. Okay, it most definitely is. But then this blog was built on angst, fears, guilt and hyperboles. And hyperactivity. A very solid foundation.
However, teenage kicks aside, that doesn't take away that this blog clearly means more to me on an emotional level than I previously assumed – more than I care to admit. And while I have not been actively writing for quite some time, it is a comfort to know that if I were to have a sudden literary epiphany, there's always this blog to share it with. Even if no one reads it except one of my closest friends.
This blog, which bore witness to my life changing -- gradually or in huge chunks of emotions... To the people I loved, to the people I lost. The friends I have gained and those that have since left me. How could I possibly bear to part with such a history?
For now, this blog is going nowhere. Not until I have matured enough to keep the memories inside my heart instead of in cyberspace.
Here's to another five years and more stories to tell!
And here's to my good friend, who will help me bring this piece of my past back to life. Welcome, ShrinkGirl.
Posted at 10:40 pm by Nagini
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Thursday, May 20, 2010
Thoughts on ‘Man throughout history: a drifter, in love with happiness’ and other views on the fleeting existence of bliss.
Happiness; an uncountable noun meaning the state of being happy or having feelings of pleasure, for example because you are satisfied with your life.
Such is the definition according to the Longman English Dictionary. It is in fact not a complicated word, spanning only three syllables and nine letters; nor is the explanation a complex one.
Then why is it that human kind has been pondering its meaning for centuries? What is it about happiness that is so difficult to grasp?
Clearly, the answer to these questions does not lie in linguistics. After all, we could all explain what the word means if someone were to ask us. However, while we might be able to do as much, very few would also understand the idea this word embodies. Therefore, instead of grabbing the nearest dictionary, we must attempt to find our solace in metaphysics.
Many of history’s greatest thinkers have spent vast chunks of their lives looking up to the stars and wondering what it is that entices true happiness in a man. To some, it became clear that finding comfort in the divine was their ticket to this particular state of mind. There was no joy to be found in earthly pleasure for them and thus, they turned to God. For Augustine of Hippo, this was indeed the case.
However, upon reflecting on his personal history, I cannot help but find it completely logical that he was dissatisfied with his existence before this epiphany. This 1st century playboy had what we call now a rock 'n' roll lifestyle; he lusted for women, power and money, and he had absolutely no problem satisfying these needs. And yet, he was not happy.
Not a very strange conclusion, if you ask me. Personally, I find the mere idea that such excess and hedonism could possibly be the quickest road to happiness absurd. Though I encourage Qoheleth’s notion of “seizing the day” as much as I do any other clichéd philosophy, there are definitely limits to the amount of indulgence one man can take before spiralling into melancholy.
Though turning to God has undoubtedly brought many people all kinds of bliss, I personally would not be able to find peace devoting my entire life to a deity. Of course, this probably stems from a lack of faith, so it would be more than just silly to compare myself to a saint from the classical antiquity. As I believe that a very small amount of asceticism would probably have given Augustine the same happiness that complete abstinence did, it will not come as a complete surprise that I find the philosophy of Epicurus quite alluring.
His mindset, built on a healthy sum of self-discipline and scepticism, is in all likelihood the kind of happiness which most of us should aspire to. The idea that gods and the fear they have created are but an obstacle on the journey to joy, is something I can easily agree with. This philosophy, with its atheism and scientific scepticism, is one of the most freeing and down to earth I have come upon so far. There can be no simpler way of living than this: pamper yourself, but not too much, and know that there can be no happiness without a friend beside you.
Yet, all things considered, I still cannot determine exactly what happiness is. Perhaps this is the only logical conclusion, since what makes you happy is different for each human being. For one person it could be hedonism, even if that would not work for myself. For another, it could be complete asceticism, as was the case for Augustine. Therefore, it should be safe to agree with Byzantine philosopher Psellus, who concluded there were three roads leading to bliss: indulgence, abstinence and whatever lies in between.
And so, I encourage everyone to throw away their maps and GPS, for there is no one way to reach this destination. It is something each must find on their own.
As for myself, I did in fact find the answer to my personal happiness in linguistics – or literature, to be more precise. Though history has known many great thinkers, with each their own ideas on what makes man happy, there is none whose thoughts strike more true to me than J.M. Barie. Perhaps he was no grand philosopher whose name is to be dropped in every conversation that pretends to be of highly intellectual standard, but he has nevertheless had a relatively large effect on my views on happiness. As the author of Peter Pan, Barie has not only given us one of the most memorable plays of the 20th century, but he has also exposed the link between happiness and the blissful ignorance of youth. Imagine living in a world where thinking lovely wonderful thoughts can make you fly, albeit with a little help of fairy dust, and the notion of mermaids and pirates can lift you to the highest states of happiness – almost literally!
Yes, being a child is the easiest way to be content with life. Of course, this is not a state to which you can hold on forever. However, who is to say that we must all grow up completely?
There can be nothing wrong with holding on to your inner child; the part inside of you that can still find pleasure in the little things, even if they only exist in a world of fantasy. More importantly, hold on to the part that does not know or care about the limitations of life.
As far as I am concerned, happiness is not only the enjoyment of what is, but also of what could be.
Posted at 05:34 pm by Nagini
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Thursday, January 14, 2010
What do you get when two English students have a test the following day?
Well, something like this...
I had to study English linguistics, Myshi had to study History of Drama.
Nicky:
Myshi!
Myshi:
(Aside) Is it me she is talking to? Or is this again one of faith's cruel tricks?
Nicky:
Lady Myshi! Avast! It is I. Pray do not ignore my humble request for conversation, for in these times it is a dire need.
Myshi:
Yes. Yes, it is. Dire as in death; and mine is near.
Nicky:
As we must all face the guardian of the River Styx one day, I mourn thy passing as I would mourn the approaching of my own.
Myshi:
Thy death approaches as steady as my own, but it will not strike as swift. Tomorrow is my day of sorrow.
Nicky:
Then thy sorrow shall be a shared one, for I must face mine own last quest the day hereafter.
Myshi:
‘Morrow's quest might bring death, but it will not bring the end. I must face another foe next week.
(Note: She had another test the next week.)
Nicky:
Alas! I fear the next week shall also bring me grief, as I will need to observe my old mentors.
(Note: I had to observe my high school teachers and then write a report as a part of my “internship”.)
Myshi:
Grief it will be, but grief in rest. My grief will find its birth in pain.
Nicky:
Then in pain thou shall be reborn, as have so many great ones before thee.
Myshi:
Reborn and never the same again.
Nicky:
Each day we are reborn, for each morn' we awake a different man -- as a river that flows ever onwards, never the same.
Myshi:
A river that drowns.
Nicky:
But also a river that heals and cleanses the wounds of our sorrow.
Myshi:
Only in death will it clean mine.
Nicky:
Then perhaps thy death shall come as a gift, a penultimate release from these earthly woes that will put thy soul to rest.
Myshi:
Not even in death would I find rest, as my pain runs in the soul, not the remains.
Nicky:
Such deeply rooted agony. May the Lord have mercy on thy broken spirit.
Myshi:
Mercy? There shall be no such thing. There is only sorrow. And sorrow I shall know.
(Aside) As will those beside me.
Nicky:
Hahaha. XD
Myshi:
I win! I can do drama, me!
Posted at 07:10 pm by Nagini
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